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A guide to Procrastinating...
So, your blue.Your "potential boyfriend" is now going out with one of your best friends.
Whats more is that you knew the guy better than she does, and you have had your eyes on him since the beginning of the last year.
Futher more than that...you were about to make a move on him too..
Well.. thats just great isnt it? honestly...no.
No its not.You feel like they will be engaged soon just despite you.
OR mabe your just imagining it all!
But face it, your lonely and depressed, youve even gotten to the point where your listening to the whitlams, when you realise the unattended pile of books, assosiated with the twelve assignments you need to do .
"oh crap" you exclaim sorrowfully.
But something is holding you back.... you sure as hell, dont want to be doin these assignments!
This possibly may be because your excedingly 'good looking' neighbour is right outside your bedroom window, or it could be because you are bored and are up for some ' good natured' 'light hearted' procrastinating!
once you analyse the situation, you realise that its a sunday morning and its 11:41 am.
"plenty of time!" you say to yourself.
You also know that this is thrivingly wrong!
yes.....you thought so diddnt you.
well... it dosent matter what you think!
YOUR GOING TO DO IT ANYWAY!!!!
so.......follow these steps to quick and easy Procrastination! Your guarenteed a great time!
ALL PROCRASTINATION ALL THE TIME!
Step 1
Well, weve established your depressed, and since it was yesterday you heard the saddening news, you decide to flip through the photos you took the day before oon your year 10 excursion ( A friday)
this, complete with music such as " The Spanish Flea" or the "Taxiride" album " Garage Mahal".
You flip through the photos, eating grapes and delicatley sip your pineapple juice (which your mother put in the fridge for no apparent reason).
You and your friend's had such a good time, diddnt you?
You chuckle a few times and decide that this was worth doing, and there is only One fateful picture of the guy breaking your heart. But Who cares? Your OVER him! Right?
Wrong. You take this one picture out of the pile and look at it for about two Minuites.
If all has timed well, you should be listening to "Happiness Without You" on track 10.
You start to sniffle.
Oh, you've been upset again. Sorry. So here's a great way to savour the depression!
Step 2
Let me recap the last step. Your staring into the Mystical eyes of this photo (which of course contains the guy you liked who is now going out with a close friend)
There are Tears running down your cheeks and you have red eyes..... and if you dont?
You can simply get out the "Plaspak Selecta Spray" (which is a water sprayer bottle thing) and delicatley squirt the Inner part of your eye, so that it appears you have a single tear running down your cheek.
You observe this in the mirror for a while, and it actually looks so good, you think to yourself that you actually should be crying!
Why not get out the Izone and make a few Icons?
A memory returns to you , someone once commented on how lovely your eyes were... 'thats nice' you think.
But you believe its a pity that the one person that did say that to you was a female.
Shame Shame Shame you think.
There out of the corner of your eye, you see the make up bag you recieved from your sister in law for Christmas, two years earlier.
On Que, your Fathers head pops through the door telling you that your mother and he ( the only two people at home) are going shopping for a few hours, visiting your sister and returning tired,hot and not willing to talk or bother you because of your "busy Schedule" ...???...
They also tell you (idiotically of course) that there is Chocolate in the fridge and to feed the cat.
Step 3 Home alone, Makeup,Chocolate,Cat.
OK, so the Odd one out there is the Cat, so you go outside to feed him.
You pat his head and he circles lovingly (and hungrily of course) around your legs covering you in a thick layer of black fur.
You Put his food out, Pick him up, hug him and put him down infront of his dish.
About facing, you are halfway down the garden path and your very attractive neighbour pops his head over the fence.
Great. You realise your wearing no bra, a white non sleeved shirt -which is now covered in thick black fur- and some black and white pants (striped tackily) which are see-through in the sun.
Technically, since your wore them to bed last night, your still in your pj's! ...Whats more, you havent even shaved your underarms yet!!!
Crap!
He notices all of this and grimaces , while you nervously greet him with a "Good Morning" and run inside, slamming the door.
Step 4
Inside you see your wardrobe and you notice the door opened to the section you havent touched since you were 7.. and there are some crazy garments in there... a white lepoard print Jacket.. a Jamacan costume...
You try on a random dress, once belonging to your sister when she was 12.
A horrid blue and white pocodotted one, but savor the fun,and have a little twirl in it anyway.
Its 5 sizes too tight, but you begin to rummage through your makeup bag.
There, you will find a Dark red-maroneish nail polish (which your school restricts you from wearing- but you decide to put it on anyway)
Switch on the most teeny bopper album in your CD collection. (the best is usually something from year 4 that your brother gave you for Christmas...)
What is it? AQUA! The Aquarium!
So there you are, sitting there singing along to Barbe Girl- simply because you can- and you now have your mothers Bobbed Blonde 70's wig on!
On go the Hooped earrings and a pair of ridiculously red clanky shoes with nine inch heels!
To finish the effect, add purple eye shadow, Purple Lipstick and some Purple shimmer (that you stole from your sister a year earlier) that you smear on in the corner of each eye.
With another Triumphant and Silly Twirl infront of your bedroom window a Smile sweeps across your face.
After running into the Kitchen, you burst open the Fridge, and the chocolate is Immediatley all over you, fits in well with the music theme because by now "candyman" is blearing through your bedroom speakers.
.........and then.......... the door bell rings...........
Crap.
Step 5
Run along to the Bathroom Cupboard and grab a very large towel and wrap yourself in it, covering yourself well.
You will find when you open the front door, that it is your exceedingly attractive neighbour.
This may be a bad thing.... but it could also be fun!
The door (of course) should only be Ajar, as your little green eye peers through the door, the conversation flows as :
" Uhhhh.... hi..."
He will reply with something like:
"Um.... hello..." as his brown eye meets your green eye, a competition forms.
(By now, the 'extention barbie girl version' on track 12 is blearing crazilly back in your room...how embarrassing!)
He pushes the door foward a little , and you close it a little and everything continues in this fashion for about half a minuite of giggling between you, until you drop the towel in concentration of him not being able to see you - and the door slams opened.
You now lie on the floor - to refresh your memory.. in an exceedingly skimpy blue and white pokodotted dress, a blonde wig ,hooped earrings,purple eyeshadow,lipstick and of course that legendary severley-out of-fashion shimmer - and are starring up terrified at the eyes of your neighbour.
A red colour builds up on your face.
So, you get up, trip over and run to your room in those chunky red heels....
........but he follows you.........
Half an hour later he has the blonde wig on with one hooped earring in his peirced ear and bright blue eyeshadow, complete with some strange overpoweringly red lipstick.
When you realise the time, you usher him out and the elderly woman down the road who is watering her garden gives you both a weird look.
Hehehehehe.......... now whats that first assignment on???????
The major work that you haven picked up - even though youve had it for 12 weeks?
ahhh, thats the one HSIE!
It's ok, you know no one else has started it, but at least you have a procrastinating guide which may provide some sort of an excuse....
Turn on your computer and wait for it to load Slowly ( because you reset the thing last time it was on) then get dressed in some sensible clothing!
Step 6
Your computer Pops up with a message which asks you for a password.
A 'password', you think..... yes, yes, you wrote it down somewhere diddn't you?
Your memory jolts back to last Wednesday night when your father was waving a peice of paper infront of you, telling you not to forget the thing!
BUT where is that peice of paper?????
Immediatley Race to the Kitchen where you will find the Usual pile of junkmail and week old newspapers.
It will take you ten minuites to sort through them ( but dont forget to circle all the accessory's you want out of the latest jewelry catalog while your there!.. the Formal is only 7 months away!) but you STILL cant see it ANYWHERE!!!!
Search the placemats, under the table cloth...you even look in the FRIDGE!
The cupboards take AGES to sort through...and you eventually get a little hungry....
So, ( within reason) Out come the usual cruskits, BUT... you CANT eat them plain!!!!! Ohhhh no!
It takes the delicate skill of only YOUR hand to accomplish having both the margarine AND the vegimite on the cruskit without breaking it, but both MUST be lightly spread!
After all... we dont want to be addinging furthur weight to that already round physique!
But it needs to be done well enough to have taste!
This is your weekend , and you dont want blandness on THIS occasion!
After your tasty lite-ish- treat, you turn your room another 180 degrees just looking for that slip of paper, and still have no idea where it is!
For progresses sake, you decide to just press "escape" and start the assignment from "scratch".
You sit down at the computer, and there you spot a sky blue post-it note stuck to the right hand corner of your screen , clearly displaying the word "PASSWORD" In large black biroed letters.
Step7
The Jungle drums sound from your loading computer , and you get a bit annoyed at them, so you select a different 'loading sound'.
You have quite a few options you realise (after scrolling through your destop displays) and you might as well change your WHOLE BACKGROUND....
........lets see.......
We have the 60's... (ahh the 60's, Peace ,love and no bathing)... fun, but not right now.
A strange Aquarium with very fake bubble noises and water sounds makes you wonder why you drank so much Pineapple Juice earlier...
A quick trip to the lavatory should solve this, but dont forget to finish off your eyebrows with some tweezers! They haven't been attended to for a while, and give your face a good wash too... the facial scrub should do the trick, get rid of all that makeup that you put on earlier!
You return and just select something random... the freaky old house with footstep noises will do... but this paranois you...
What are you paranoid about? You think playing your seventh round of Solitare...Your paranoid that someone might catch you Procrastinating!
AHA! You THOUGHT it diddnt you!
You actually ARE procrastinating ( and doing it well might i add ...) but this Does seem to worry you a little now that you are concience of the fact that you are!~
( 4 months later after this event, you discover you got a 'D' for that one assignment and learn your lesson...but continue to procrastinate anyway)
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